THE LEVEL UP LETTER

Hi All!
Here is your weekly Level Up Letter. This week we’re talking about Gottman’s Four Horsemen and where they show up in both your personal and professional lives. Feel free to forward along if your heart desires. 

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

GOTTMAN’S FOUR HORSEMEN

⁣Like the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse predicting the end of days, Gottman’s Four Horsemen can help predict the end of a relationship. Be it personal or professional. Knowing them and their warning signs is the first step in being able to work through any issues. Here they are:

1. CRITICISM

   When we’re talking about criticism in this case we’re talking about personal attacks and not criticizing or complaining about behavior or situations. Criticism makes a person feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Escalating this pattern with greater frequency and intensity eventually leads to contempt.

2. CONTEMPT

   Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks a person’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing.

3. DEFENSIVENESS

   Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive in our lives especially when we feel we’re being unjustly criticized but this tends to be an escalation. Not only does the person respond defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other person’s fault.

4. STONEWALLING

   Stonewalling is usually a response to contempt. It occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to the other person. People who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

THE ANTIDOTES

Here’s a quick guide to the Antidotes for dealing with the Four Horsemen. These are starting places we thought were worth sharing. Each one can go much more in-depth.

WORK RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s face it, some of us spend more time in our work relationships than we do in our personal relationships. These Four Horsemen can easily show up in the work place. Their antidotes are the same but we wanted to give a few helpful extras for handling your professional relationships.

1. Trust and Commitment - This is the foundation. Everyone needs to believe they can trust the person next to them and that they’re committed to doing the work. Nobody wants to be the only person doing the work on the school project.

2. Know your people. If you’re a leader, your 1×1 meetings should be about your employee. You should know your colleague’s current world, both professional (e.g., interests, technical expertise, stresses, victories) and personal (e.g., significant people in their lives, where they live, hobbies).

3. Positive Feedback - If you’re only focused on what they’re missing or what the problems are in the workplace, the culture in a company can head downhill quickly. We love starting our meetings off by sharing Good News (especially in that first 5 minutes you’re waiting on everyone to get settled)

4. Turn In, not Away - You need to manage conflict head-on. Don’t keep putting off dealing with issues or sweeping them under the rug. This will lead to the Four Horsemen. Have open, honest conversations. Even if it means someone won’t be happy or staying at the company. The goal is for everyone to be in the right place and working towards everyone’s best interests.

Following these steps helps avoid the Four Horsemen in the workplace and leads to a company culture that isn’t just a made up list of bullet points.

DOES YOUR BUSINESS NEED SOME HELP?

The best, and hardest part about business, is the people. Let’s face it, all businesses could use some outside perspective and help managing or communicating with their teams. If you’re a leader or decision-maker in your company, reach out and find out how we can help.